Trust

“Letting go of every single dream
I lay each one down at Your feet
Every moment of my wandering
Never changes what You see
I’ve tried to win this war, I confess
My hands are weary, I need Your rest
Mighty warrior, King of the fight
No matter what I face, You’re by my side

When You don’t move the mountains
I’m needing You to move
When You don’t part the waters
I wish I could walk through
When You don’t give the answers
As I cry out to You
I will trust, I will trust
I will trust in You

When You don’t move the mountains
I’m needing You to move
When You don’t part the waters
I wish I could walk through
When You don’t give the answers
As I cry out to You
I will trust, I will trust
I will trust in You
I will trust in You

(Source: LyricFind. Song- Trust in You. Artist- Lauren Daegle.)

I had an epiphany recently. I do trust God. And I’m not sure when it happened. Because for many years, I circled around the issue of trust . Eyeing it warily.

I didn’t trust adults as a child. I didn’t trust my husband as a young adult. And I certainly didn’t trust God.

My initial salvation experience happened 30 years ago, when I was 4 years old.

But I didn’t trust God as a child. I trusted him to save me. I trust

But not to look out for me. Not to keep me safe. All I could see where the times he didn’t. Not that it could have been so much worse. He hadn’t kept me safe, according to my definition. And safe was the thing that I have fixated on, and obsessed over for years .

I didn’t trust Him ten years ago , when I would lie awake at night paralyzed by the fear that something would happen to my kids if I slept. Reading Ann Voscamp’s book helped me count the ways He was faithful. And that helped. And I knew that I needed to trust him. That it was a mandatory part of faiths

I didn’t trust him five years ago. I didn’t trust that I could be healed ,whole, freed from my past.

I didn’t trust that if I relaxed my grip on my kids he would uphold them. I didn’t trust that my marriage could ever be other than what it was.

I didn’t trust Him six months ago when my oldest started driving. I would be in fear the entire time. As if somehow the simple act of my presence could keep my kids safe from automobile accidents, foolish and superstitious woman that I am.

But recently, I realized that I do trust Him. I have faith that he is good. That he has my best interest at heart. That he loves my kids even more than I do. I trust his plan and his will for my life. I trust that he has good plans for me. If His goodness is a bridge, then I trust that it will hold me.

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